The Worthless Thread for Specifically Increasing Post Numbers

I'm on a diet, so I will eat only 18 pieces from my 20-piece McNugget box.
 
Ladies, I would like an answer:

When women watch movies alone, who is there to answer all their questions?
 
So if birds that fly over the sea are called sea gulls, why aren't birds that fly over the bay called bagels?
 
Can you imagine being the first guy to ever hear a parrot talk back to you?
 
When I asked the guy at the gym to spot me, he told me I needed to go hide first.

Oh well...
 
It's a beautiful day and I'm grilling with an ice-cold Pepsi in my hand.

Wait, why is Walmart security headed this way? I don't think I have enough burgers on the grill...
 
If croutons are nothing more than stale bread, why are they sealed for freshness?
 
Oh man! My pug pooped in my slipper!

Tarheel is a prophet: I Do have a croc of manure!
 
My kids were pretty smart. They figured out the best way to load the dishwasher.

They did it once themselves so now Mom and I do it for them!
 
I don't get it. People who keep telling me "Everything happens for a reason," seem to get mad when I push them down the stairs...
 
Wanna get away from your teenagers? Hide in the laundry room. Teenagers don't even know it exists.
 
I think something bad is about to happen every time I hear my guardian angel whisper in my ear, "Oh no. Here we go again."
 
So I took my pet racoon out for a walk yesterday. Guy passed by and said, "Look at that white trash."

Naturally my racoon attacked me.

I'll never do that again.
 
Of course I have a treadmill in my bedroom! Where else am I going to hang my clothes?
 
Yeah, I've got to admit. I DO have a chip on my shoulder. It is a Cool Ranch Dorito, to be precise.
 
College gags. I wonder how that goes at a clown college. What, do they pull a gag by putting just one guy in a Volkswagen?
 
Saw an ad in the paper that the local sporting good store had 50% off of all bikes. When I went in to buy one, naturally they were all unicycles...
 
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