Often used pastoral quotes, jokes, and stories

[RAIDER]

We've all heard them.  Maybe we have even used them.  They are often used quotes, jokes, and stories which are told while behind the pulpit.  These are the ones which if you've heard them once, you've heard them a hundred times.  When you hear them start, you already know the ending.

Hacker Nation, what do you have?

*As always, one joke, story, or quote per post.

 

[RAIDER]

"Like Henry the Eighth told his third wife, I won't be keeping you long."

 

[RAIDER]

The story of the little boy throwing the starfish on the beach back into the ocean.  The old man said, "Son, you can't save them all" to which the little boy replied, "No, but it meant a lot to that one".

 

[RAIDER]

"Somebody say, 'Amen'".

 

[RAIDER]

When closing the Bible at the end of a message - "Don't get too excited, folks, I can open it back up as quick as I closed it."

 

[prophet]

This sermon is like a fat lady going over a barbed wire fence...a few more points and I'll be through.

earnestly contend

 

[prophet]

After receiving applause prior to speaking:
"Like the cow told the farmer on the cold day, '"thanks for the warm hand".'

earnestly contend

 

[RAIDER]

"Don't look at me like a calf looking at a new gate."

 

[prophet]

After a particular salient point:

Don't put your head down, it ain't time to pray yet!

earnestly contend

 

[Jo]

Good, better, best until your good is better and your better best.

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[Jo]

Turn or burn.

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[Baptist City Holdout]

"If I called his name everybody in the room would know him."

 

[Baptist City Holdout]

"I've used this illustration a thousand times."

 

[Twisted]

"More treble, please"

 

[fishinnut]

If it was good enough for the apostle Paul.....................

 

[fishinnut]

I see those hands........................

 

[Walt]

"Don't look at me like a calf looking at a new gate."

Didn't hear it until we moved south; hear it quite a bit now

 

[Walt]

After a particular salient point:

Don't put your head down, it ain't time to pray yet!

earnestly contend

I hear this one mostly from guest speakers.  The pride in this statement irks me.

 

[Baptist City Holdout]

"Don't put your shoes on yet, ladies."

 

[Mathew Ward]

"When Sunday school began, Mrs. Bethel set the poor and shy little Jackie-boy on her lap..."