Sherryh said:
Binaca Chugger, I just learned by reading the thread that a former staff member was grooming you for abuse. I'm so sorry that made me ill. I hope you have stood above the negative and continued
Yes. Once I read his public letter apologizing for his sins, and I learned what "grooming for abuse" was, I realized that had happened to me. He had done the same with many other students and it was about to happen to me. Again, this individual had a major influence for good in my life, and maybe kept me from doing harm to myself during a very difficult time. He pointed me towards right when I was angry at everyone else who was pulling me towards the right direction. Personally, I think it went something like this:
He had a good intention to help me as a Christian leader. I took to him as someone who accepted and cared and wanted what was right for me. I asked him for advice and counsel. We began to spend time together outside of our normal routines. I would spend time with him at his house. Somewhere along the way, the relationship became a little deeper than normal Christian leader/counselor to close friend. My dad only one time mentioned that this relationship might be a little awkward and that I might want to put a little distance between myself and this man relationally. I agreed, but didn't understand. Once, while spending time at his home, things got a little awkward and while working on a computer, he put his hand on me while leaning over me looking at the screen. It was perfectly natural and yet it was not. I said something to him, he changed position and I moved. I did begin to spend less time with him. He did invite me to a "special place" under the guise of spiritual growth one time. My dad told me it was not a good idea for people in such different life situations to be on such a trip together. I am now thankful I listened. The pattern revealed later showed that others were sexually abused there. I never realized what was happening until much later. I think that as I kept spending time with him, and our relationship as friends became closer, his "demons" began to swell up inside him. I think it was something that he was trying to fight back, while at the same time allowing them to have some sway over his actions. I do not believe that there was intent from the beginning to pull me into such a relationship.
I am fine. I never went into victim mode. It did blow my mind when I realized what had really happened and what he was fighting back and yet allowing to be in his mind during that time. After all, this was a person who had a major role in my choosing ministry over secular work, and, for quite a while, I felt was only one of two people who really cared about me at all. The events have not scarred me or caused me to become a different person, at least, not to my knowledge.
My experience does give me some question about those who engaged in sexual activity with their spiritual leaders. At some point, there was a willing consensus to engage in the activity. All of the blame cannot rest on the abuser. I understand the manipulation and emotional connection. The same person who groomed me, did abuse many others and even admitted so later in life. So, I went through the same issues. In most of these cases, the victim agreed when they could have walked away. I understand the threats to blame and once the issue happened, it would be difficult to speak up. However, the victim agreed to put themselves in the situation. The victim chose to participate. I understand the issue of a sexual predator using his power of position to groom the victim. Yet, I don't believe that the victim should be completely free of any wrong doing. Because, the victim chose to participate. in the case of violent attack, this is different. However, that is not what happened at HAC or other churches.
